I don't even know how I feel about yesterday. After having what I'm pretty sure was small scale panic attack last night, I don't even know what to think.
I don't like that I responded that way but I suddenly felt very overwhelmed. I don't think I have ever been that angry, upset, frustrated, furious or violent in my life. Fight or flight seriously kicked in and I flew. I'm glad I got out of there. Even thinking about going back makes me jittery and my heart rate starts to speed up again. I don't know why I was freaking out like that. May be it was so out of the blue and I just didn't see it coming.
I've been nothing but accommodating and for them to accuse me of not leaving them enough space in the common areas is unthinkable! They act like they're the innocent victims when they haven't said a word about how they've been feeling. I will freely admit that I refer to the kitchen and living room as mine. But when 95% of the stuff in it is your's and you're the only one who bothers to clean it and take care of it, calling it "your's" makes sense. If I had given them dirty looks and left nasty notes about cleaning up after themselves then they would have every right to be upset. I hardly even see them! We're on completely different schedules and I'm normally asleep or at least getting ready for bed when they come in. And the times I have wanted to talk to them, either they're both not there, or one is asleep or one of the boyfriends is over. The one thing that boggles my mind, I've talked to Katie a ton of times throughout the semester and she never once hinted about any of this. I think that shock of it all combined with the amount of stress I'm under freaked me out and my body didn't know how to handle it.
I'm glad I came up to Kennesaw though. Brett has been wonderful and I'm so glad he's been here for me :). God and I had a good talk about stuff that I've been dealing with too and I learned a lot and I'm learning to trust him more which scares the crap out of me. But that's another blog altogether...
Thanks to all those who have been praying and sending good thoughts...keep 'em coming!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
a drama-free life: too much to ask?
I wish I had moved out.
found my own space.
lived alone.
or least lived with people who respect me.
My roommates and I have been battling over the thermostat in our apt. for weeks now and the sh*t has hit the fan. They want it at 75, I want it at 69 (or at the most, 70). I've been leaving notes on the thermostat for a few days, letting them know that they higher we move it, the more it costs. But everyday, I wake up sweating or can't sleep because one of them changed it to 75 again. Brett and I also discovered that my room is underneath the dryer vents for my apt and the one above me, so I get hot air pumped into my room whenever someone does laundry.
Instead of talking to my face about it, they write me this long note about how they have been compromising this whole time about it, but can't, as dancers afford to wake up cold in the mornings with stiff joints. I get that, makes perfect sense to me. What I don't get is their inability to come and knock on my door themselves.
They also spoke about having to buy mini-fridges, extra shelving, dish washing liquid and the like because they feel "sufficient space isn't left for them in the common areas." I never asked them to buy that stuff, nor have I refused access to the fridge or anything else in the apt. The only things I have asked is that if you use someone else's pot, wash it. If you make a mess in the kitchen, clean it up.
I have one shelf and one drawer in the fridge and 3 things on the bottom shelf. All of the cabinents are divied up into their respective categories: we each have a personal one, one for cups, one for plates/bowls, two for pots and pans, etc. The majority (95%) of the utensils, pots, pans, dishes, cups, etc. are mine. I've just asked for respect of my stuff, that's all. I also do 95% of the cleaning. I'm the one who wipes down the countertops, sweeps and mops the floors, vacuums, dusts, cleans the rugs, cleans out the fridge and takes out the recycling. They take out the trash...that's it.
The fact that they even insinuate that I haven't let them enough space, infuriates me. I've held my tongue about a lot of crap I've been feeling for 3 years. I have felt severely taken advantage of over the years and this is the first year they have actually started to clean up after themselves. I have been more then reasonable, but I'm about fed up with their attitudes, like I did something wrong to begin with.
I want to move home after this semester and commute. I sick of this sh*t and want my mommy :(.
found my own space.
lived alone.
or least lived with people who respect me.
My roommates and I have been battling over the thermostat in our apt. for weeks now and the sh*t has hit the fan. They want it at 75, I want it at 69 (or at the most, 70). I've been leaving notes on the thermostat for a few days, letting them know that they higher we move it, the more it costs. But everyday, I wake up sweating or can't sleep because one of them changed it to 75 again. Brett and I also discovered that my room is underneath the dryer vents for my apt and the one above me, so I get hot air pumped into my room whenever someone does laundry.
Instead of talking to my face about it, they write me this long note about how they have been compromising this whole time about it, but can't, as dancers afford to wake up cold in the mornings with stiff joints. I get that, makes perfect sense to me. What I don't get is their inability to come and knock on my door themselves.
They also spoke about having to buy mini-fridges, extra shelving, dish washing liquid and the like because they feel "sufficient space isn't left for them in the common areas." I never asked them to buy that stuff, nor have I refused access to the fridge or anything else in the apt. The only things I have asked is that if you use someone else's pot, wash it. If you make a mess in the kitchen, clean it up.
I have one shelf and one drawer in the fridge and 3 things on the bottom shelf. All of the cabinents are divied up into their respective categories: we each have a personal one, one for cups, one for plates/bowls, two for pots and pans, etc. The majority (95%) of the utensils, pots, pans, dishes, cups, etc. are mine. I've just asked for respect of my stuff, that's all. I also do 95% of the cleaning. I'm the one who wipes down the countertops, sweeps and mops the floors, vacuums, dusts, cleans the rugs, cleans out the fridge and takes out the recycling. They take out the trash...that's it.
The fact that they even insinuate that I haven't let them enough space, infuriates me. I've held my tongue about a lot of crap I've been feeling for 3 years. I have felt severely taken advantage of over the years and this is the first year they have actually started to clean up after themselves. I have been more then reasonable, but I'm about fed up with their attitudes, like I did something wrong to begin with.
I want to move home after this semester and commute. I sick of this sh*t and want my mommy :(.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Lazy Day
I am feeling so unmotivated today. I've been sitting here at my computer for what seems like hours and haven't gotten anything done. I've had this feeling ever since I got back to school and i don't know what happened. Last semester I was organized and motivated and organized. I've tried the same techniques but they don't seem to be working for some reason. I'm struggling with my eating plan and was supposed to have been carp crashing this whole week and haven't at all. I'm feeling very discouraged about life right now.
It doesn't help that I'm getting overwhelmed and have much more to do this semester. I feel unorganized and lazy...which at the moment, is exactly what I am. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I have an assignment due by midnight tonight and I've only done about 1 page of it and I need at least 5. I'm thinking about leaving and going to TwoStory Coffeehouse but I don't want to leave my apartment either. It would require me to wash my face and put on makeup, neither of which I really want to do. Maybe I should try a daily fixed schedule like last semester. And a daily to do list. I'm just feeling down and like I just don't care but I do, I just have no motivation...I really don't know where it went. I think I need to be outside and stop skipping classes. not getting up in mornings really doesn't work well for me, it upsets my entire day (which you can clearly see).
I'm going to go organize something, that always make sme feel better :).
It doesn't help that I'm getting overwhelmed and have much more to do this semester. I feel unorganized and lazy...which at the moment, is exactly what I am. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I have an assignment due by midnight tonight and I've only done about 1 page of it and I need at least 5. I'm thinking about leaving and going to TwoStory Coffeehouse but I don't want to leave my apartment either. It would require me to wash my face and put on makeup, neither of which I really want to do. Maybe I should try a daily fixed schedule like last semester. And a daily to do list. I'm just feeling down and like I just don't care but I do, I just have no motivation...I really don't know where it went. I think I need to be outside and stop skipping classes. not getting up in mornings really doesn't work well for me, it upsets my entire day (which you can clearly see).
I'm going to go organize something, that always make sme feel better :).
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Adults and Adults...can they coexist?
I'm 23 years old...an adult, right?
When my mother was my age, she had been married for 2 years.
When my grandmother was my age, she was married and had 3 children.
Why is it that neither one of them thinks I'm capable of remembering to brush my own teeth?
Seriously, I kid you not, my mom actually asks me almost everyday if I have brushed my teeth and taken my medicine. I'M NOT 7!!!! FOR GOODNESS SAKE, PLEASE TREAT ME LIKE AN ADULT!!!!
Whew...that felt great :).
Granted, when I was a kid, I didn't brush my teeth a lot and always forgot to take my medicine. My biggest problem was that I would remember in the car or during school, always I place I couldn't do anything about it. I've gotten much better as I've gotten older (one would hope). But I will admit that I have trouble remembering to do some of that stuff, especially during the summer when I don't have a daily schedule. During the school year, I am extremely organized and get everything done on time, if not early, including all the items in my toilette.
It doesn't help that I tend to be very passive aggressive around my mother. Anything she would ask me to do as a kid, I would, of course, deliberately not do. Not healthy, I know, but I was about 6, so can you blame me? A really great example of that involved vitamins. She would buy these awful chewable vitamin Cs that I hated. I told her they were gross and she bought them anyway, just telling me to drink juice after them. But instead of continuing to talk to her about it, I hid some, flushed some of them down the toilet, and wrapped the rest in tissues and threw them in the garbage. So, unfortunately I've been passive aggressive since I was about 6. It's a habit. A bad habit, but a habit.
Luckily, Brett calls me on it and I can't get away with it with him (thank goodness!). No one is there with my mom to call me on it but me. I have to stop it. No one else. Except God.
I've been working really hard this summer on losing weight and eating healthy. My final weigh in is tomorrow and so far I've lost 21 1/2 lbs., around 25 in., 1 pant size and 1 bra size! I'm so excited and mom told me today how proud she was of me, which feels great :). Then later, I was looking at recipes telling my mom about some of the ones that I found and she did nothing but criticize them and lecture me about what I should and should not be eating. None of the recipes were bad (all under 500 calories) and I would be using low-fat cheese and fat-free soups and such. So far, I've managed a whole summer without her telling me what to eat so I think I can still do it for myself this year at school. I understand that she doesn't want me to undo everything I've done, but I don't want that either! It's not like I'm going to eat crap food once I get there. I've done that in the past, but I'm paying for food out of a budget this year, so I can't just go out to eat whenever I want. I'm going to have to really careful what I spend and what I eat.
This is the point when I struggle with my passive aggressiveness toward her. Part of me wants to say, "Screw you!" and do whatever I want and prove them all wrong, but I know it would just prove them right. I would end up gaining back all the weight and regretting it all over again. I'm going to do this for myself and no one else. And no matter what my mom says, I'm going to make this work. I'm not going to deliberately sabotage what I've been doing and eat really crappy food, but neither am I going to sacrifice the foods I love, I'm just going to find healthy ways to eat them. I'm going to respect my mom, but be my own person, grow up and take responsibility for my own actions. And I really don't need her help to do it :).
It's time to start cutting those apron strings...
When my mother was my age, she had been married for 2 years.
When my grandmother was my age, she was married and had 3 children.
Why is it that neither one of them thinks I'm capable of remembering to brush my own teeth?
Seriously, I kid you not, my mom actually asks me almost everyday if I have brushed my teeth and taken my medicine. I'M NOT 7!!!! FOR GOODNESS SAKE, PLEASE TREAT ME LIKE AN ADULT!!!!
Whew...that felt great :).
Granted, when I was a kid, I didn't brush my teeth a lot and always forgot to take my medicine. My biggest problem was that I would remember in the car or during school, always I place I couldn't do anything about it. I've gotten much better as I've gotten older (one would hope). But I will admit that I have trouble remembering to do some of that stuff, especially during the summer when I don't have a daily schedule. During the school year, I am extremely organized and get everything done on time, if not early, including all the items in my toilette.
It doesn't help that I tend to be very passive aggressive around my mother. Anything she would ask me to do as a kid, I would, of course, deliberately not do. Not healthy, I know, but I was about 6, so can you blame me? A really great example of that involved vitamins. She would buy these awful chewable vitamin Cs that I hated. I told her they were gross and she bought them anyway, just telling me to drink juice after them. But instead of continuing to talk to her about it, I hid some, flushed some of them down the toilet, and wrapped the rest in tissues and threw them in the garbage. So, unfortunately I've been passive aggressive since I was about 6. It's a habit. A bad habit, but a habit.
Luckily, Brett calls me on it and I can't get away with it with him (thank goodness!). No one is there with my mom to call me on it but me. I have to stop it. No one else. Except God.
I've been working really hard this summer on losing weight and eating healthy. My final weigh in is tomorrow and so far I've lost 21 1/2 lbs., around 25 in., 1 pant size and 1 bra size! I'm so excited and mom told me today how proud she was of me, which feels great :). Then later, I was looking at recipes telling my mom about some of the ones that I found and she did nothing but criticize them and lecture me about what I should and should not be eating. None of the recipes were bad (all under 500 calories) and I would be using low-fat cheese and fat-free soups and such. So far, I've managed a whole summer without her telling me what to eat so I think I can still do it for myself this year at school. I understand that she doesn't want me to undo everything I've done, but I don't want that either! It's not like I'm going to eat crap food once I get there. I've done that in the past, but I'm paying for food out of a budget this year, so I can't just go out to eat whenever I want. I'm going to have to really careful what I spend and what I eat.
This is the point when I struggle with my passive aggressiveness toward her. Part of me wants to say, "Screw you!" and do whatever I want and prove them all wrong, but I know it would just prove them right. I would end up gaining back all the weight and regretting it all over again. I'm going to do this for myself and no one else. And no matter what my mom says, I'm going to make this work. I'm not going to deliberately sabotage what I've been doing and eat really crappy food, but neither am I going to sacrifice the foods I love, I'm just going to find healthy ways to eat them. I'm going to respect my mom, but be my own person, grow up and take responsibility for my own actions. And I really don't need her help to do it :).
It's time to start cutting those apron strings...
Monday, July 13, 2009
Musings
Brett and I are doing this book called "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married." It's written by a Christian author, H. Norman Wright. So far the book has been very informative and has led Brett and I on many interesting discussions about each other, our lives, how we grew up and how it all will fit together. Tonight the question was about how you grew up economically and emotionally and how that effects who you are and how you live your life.
I don't think my parents were well off when I was little but honestly, I had no clue one way or another until I was old enough to figure it all out. I know that I won't be able to live the live my parent's do now because they've have 43 years of marital practice and experience to get it right.
Sometimes I worry about me and money and how I'll handle it all. I know I need to have a large hand in the finances just because I need to see where it all goes before I can excuse away that random shopping trip to Gap or wherever. I like being organized though and using Excel is kinda fun for me :).
Emotionally, I'm in a good place and was raised by great parents. Not to say they were perfect, because I definitely remember some of their less than stellar moments, but they tried their best. I wish I had seen them fight more though. I don't know how many kids would say that but I really do. It's even so much the fighting, but the resolution of the argument I wish I had seen more of.
I thought about it and I rarely see my parents work through an argument or disagreement. I think they must have disagreed that all conflicts must be worked out behind closed doors. In some ways I agree with that, but it would have been nice to have seen it a few times. As a kid, I remember seeing them disagree about something and they wouldn't talk it out right then, and then room would get so tense that one of them would have to leave the room. I guess I thought they just ignored it or something. My kid brain didn't know that they were probably waiting until I went to bed to discuss it.
Because of this though, when it came to conflict with other people and especially boys, my first instinct was to run and hide and call it quits (which my parents never did, BTW). This behavior also explains every relationship before Brett. The way I sabotaged every other relationship I had still boggles my mind. I was so far from confrontational it was ridiculous. There are several things I would change if I could go back now, although I admit some guys still hold some crazy intimidating power over me that I will never understand. I let myself get treated horribly by numerous guys and I was too scared to say anything to them about it.
Somethings have definitely changed :). Not that I'm overly confrontational, but I know that I deserve better now and am not afraid to expect and even demand it. Brett and I have our moments, but I love too much not get in his face about certain stuff and he's the same way with me: he has no problem calling me out about my crap and me about his. We talk through everything, even we have to take a time out first and leave nothing unresolved. I also think one of the most important things we do, if that we own our own crap. If it's my fault, I admit it and so does he. No blame game here. It really takes the wind out of the other's sails if you freely admit your own fault. It's also about respecting each other so much that admitting when you're wrong is your way of serving the other person: letting them know you care enough about the relationship to do your best into making sure it survives. That means laying down your own pride and putting the needs of the other person ahead of your own.
My relationship with Brett has taught me more than I could ever have learned on my own.
There were guys though in my life, who always treated me with respect, even though I didn't always respect myself. They are few and far between, but a heartfelt thank you goes out to them. They helped me realize, even before Brett, that nice guys did exist and I was worth much more than even I thought.
To the other guys: I feel sorry for you. If you have grown since then, I'm truly happy for you and wish you all the best. You weren't the only ones taking advantage back then and I have to own my part in everything too.
Some of you haven't grown a bit and never will. I feel sorry for your future wives and girlfriends. You will never be happy as long as you don't respect yourself and the one you're with, although you have to respect yourself first. I wish all the best and hope that one day that light bulb goes off above your head too.
I feel inordinately blessed to be with the one I'm with. He's forgiven me many times over. He has taken me with all my battle scars and has even had to nurse some of the ones that still break open on occasion. I will always love and cherish this man who loves and understands me more than I understand myself sometimes. He has continued to be amazingly supportive and understanding through all my ups and downs. I used him cruelly in the beginning and feel constantly blessed that God used my own stupidity as my saving grace :).
I love you, honey.
I don't think my parents were well off when I was little but honestly, I had no clue one way or another until I was old enough to figure it all out. I know that I won't be able to live the live my parent's do now because they've have 43 years of marital practice and experience to get it right.
Sometimes I worry about me and money and how I'll handle it all. I know I need to have a large hand in the finances just because I need to see where it all goes before I can excuse away that random shopping trip to Gap or wherever. I like being organized though and using Excel is kinda fun for me :).
Emotionally, I'm in a good place and was raised by great parents. Not to say they were perfect, because I definitely remember some of their less than stellar moments, but they tried their best. I wish I had seen them fight more though. I don't know how many kids would say that but I really do. It's even so much the fighting, but the resolution of the argument I wish I had seen more of.
I thought about it and I rarely see my parents work through an argument or disagreement. I think they must have disagreed that all conflicts must be worked out behind closed doors. In some ways I agree with that, but it would have been nice to have seen it a few times. As a kid, I remember seeing them disagree about something and they wouldn't talk it out right then, and then room would get so tense that one of them would have to leave the room. I guess I thought they just ignored it or something. My kid brain didn't know that they were probably waiting until I went to bed to discuss it.
Because of this though, when it came to conflict with other people and especially boys, my first instinct was to run and hide and call it quits (which my parents never did, BTW). This behavior also explains every relationship before Brett. The way I sabotaged every other relationship I had still boggles my mind. I was so far from confrontational it was ridiculous. There are several things I would change if I could go back now, although I admit some guys still hold some crazy intimidating power over me that I will never understand. I let myself get treated horribly by numerous guys and I was too scared to say anything to them about it.
Somethings have definitely changed :). Not that I'm overly confrontational, but I know that I deserve better now and am not afraid to expect and even demand it. Brett and I have our moments, but I love too much not get in his face about certain stuff and he's the same way with me: he has no problem calling me out about my crap and me about his. We talk through everything, even we have to take a time out first and leave nothing unresolved. I also think one of the most important things we do, if that we own our own crap. If it's my fault, I admit it and so does he. No blame game here. It really takes the wind out of the other's sails if you freely admit your own fault. It's also about respecting each other so much that admitting when you're wrong is your way of serving the other person: letting them know you care enough about the relationship to do your best into making sure it survives. That means laying down your own pride and putting the needs of the other person ahead of your own.
My relationship with Brett has taught me more than I could ever have learned on my own.
There were guys though in my life, who always treated me with respect, even though I didn't always respect myself. They are few and far between, but a heartfelt thank you goes out to them. They helped me realize, even before Brett, that nice guys did exist and I was worth much more than even I thought.
To the other guys: I feel sorry for you. If you have grown since then, I'm truly happy for you and wish you all the best. You weren't the only ones taking advantage back then and I have to own my part in everything too.
Some of you haven't grown a bit and never will. I feel sorry for your future wives and girlfriends. You will never be happy as long as you don't respect yourself and the one you're with, although you have to respect yourself first. I wish all the best and hope that one day that light bulb goes off above your head too.
I feel inordinately blessed to be with the one I'm with. He's forgiven me many times over. He has taken me with all my battle scars and has even had to nurse some of the ones that still break open on occasion. I will always love and cherish this man who loves and understands me more than I understand myself sometimes. He has continued to be amazingly supportive and understanding through all my ups and downs. I used him cruelly in the beginning and feel constantly blessed that God used my own stupidity as my saving grace :).
I love you, honey.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I don't have a title for this one...
So, it's summer...finally :). I don't really like summer all that much, but it sure beats spring a.k.a. gloom town. I didn't end up going to see the doctor, although I probably should have. I'm definitely going to go next spring though, and especially now that I know when it happens I can set the appointment up ahead of time.
But SAD wise, I'm great...none of it in sight, thank goodness. The sun is doing wonders to my mood.
This summer I'm working with my chiropractor 3 days a week, who is also a personal trainer with a nutrition program. It turns out that I have almost no curve in my neck, with is causing me to get a pre-mature dowager's hump. Ummm, yeah...no thanks. It will take two years to fully go away, but it's already going down, slowly but surely. This lack of a curve is also causing a bunch of other stuff in my back and body to be screwed up. It's been affecting my adrenal glands which, together with your thyroid, make up your metabolism. I haven't been able to really lose wight like I wanted, so this could possibly be the reason. I'm taking some suppliments, which should help some, I'm on a diet, and working out 5 days a weeks. It's going to be hard but I've discovered that wedding magazines make it a lot easier to stay focused at the gym :). Looking at all of those skinny brides, really does motivate me...not that I want to be super skinny, but I want to love how I look on my wedding day.
I'm also taking a summer class on African American Literature, which is proving to be facinating. Right now I'm learning about Frederick Douglass. Did you know he married a white woman, after his first wife died, and that he was in his 60's (old enough to be her father)? I sure didn't. He's led a pretty interesting life and I'm learning a lot. I have to admit though, some days I have no motivation whatsoever. It has nothing to do with the topic, just the fact that it's summer and I would love nothing more than to sit around all day on my computer and stumble and watch old movies. I'm getting to do a little of that, but not as much as I want.
Later, I'll post some stuff about my training and maybe some before pictures.
But SAD wise, I'm great...none of it in sight, thank goodness. The sun is doing wonders to my mood.
This summer I'm working with my chiropractor 3 days a week, who is also a personal trainer with a nutrition program. It turns out that I have almost no curve in my neck, with is causing me to get a pre-mature dowager's hump. Ummm, yeah...no thanks. It will take two years to fully go away, but it's already going down, slowly but surely. This lack of a curve is also causing a bunch of other stuff in my back and body to be screwed up. It's been affecting my adrenal glands which, together with your thyroid, make up your metabolism. I haven't been able to really lose wight like I wanted, so this could possibly be the reason. I'm taking some suppliments, which should help some, I'm on a diet, and working out 5 days a weeks. It's going to be hard but I've discovered that wedding magazines make it a lot easier to stay focused at the gym :). Looking at all of those skinny brides, really does motivate me...not that I want to be super skinny, but I want to love how I look on my wedding day.
I'm also taking a summer class on African American Literature, which is proving to be facinating. Right now I'm learning about Frederick Douglass. Did you know he married a white woman, after his first wife died, and that he was in his 60's (old enough to be her father)? I sure didn't. He's led a pretty interesting life and I'm learning a lot. I have to admit though, some days I have no motivation whatsoever. It has nothing to do with the topic, just the fact that it's summer and I would love nothing more than to sit around all day on my computer and stumble and watch old movies. I'm getting to do a little of that, but not as much as I want.
Later, I'll post some stuff about my training and maybe some before pictures.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Gloomy Days are here again...
Eh...that's how I feel today. Just, eh.
For the first time this year, I've had to deal with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I thought I had in under control, but not after today. I missed class this morning because I hardly slept and woke up with a migraine. I finally got out of bed around 12pm to take something again to see if it would finally go away. It did, but not for another hour and a half. I proceeded to get back in bed. I stayed there off and on for 5 hours.
5 hours?! WTF is wrong with me?!
The worst part about SAD is that I lose all interest in everything I like to do. I don't want to do anything and I mean, anything. I don't want to read or watch TV or clean or organize or talk to anyone. All I want to do is lay in my bed. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes not. Most of the time I just lay there thinking. And I'm not thinking happy thoughts, believe me. I don't even want to watch Jane Austen movies. That's a huge deal.
I'm calling the doctor tomorrow. It's time I got an official diagnosis. But trust me, I have all of the symptoms: I feel sad, grumpy, moody, I lose interest in my usual activities, I'm tired and groggy during the day even if I get a lot of sleep, and I gain weight and crave carbs (energy boosters). Getting up in the morning is extremely difficult, it's why my morning classes get skipped more than they should.
I'm so sick of this feeling. This feeling like I just want to lie down and not get back up until summer. Or at least until the next sunny day. I make plans and rarely follow through with them this time of year. I'm tired and grumpy and I have no reason to be. It's the time of year I wish I could quit school and move to Aruba. I would get so much more done there!
Here's hoping the sun comes out for a little while tomorrow...
For the first time this year, I've had to deal with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I thought I had in under control, but not after today. I missed class this morning because I hardly slept and woke up with a migraine. I finally got out of bed around 12pm to take something again to see if it would finally go away. It did, but not for another hour and a half. I proceeded to get back in bed. I stayed there off and on for 5 hours.
5 hours?! WTF is wrong with me?!
The worst part about SAD is that I lose all interest in everything I like to do. I don't want to do anything and I mean, anything. I don't want to read or watch TV or clean or organize or talk to anyone. All I want to do is lay in my bed. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes not. Most of the time I just lay there thinking. And I'm not thinking happy thoughts, believe me. I don't even want to watch Jane Austen movies. That's a huge deal.
I'm calling the doctor tomorrow. It's time I got an official diagnosis. But trust me, I have all of the symptoms: I feel sad, grumpy, moody, I lose interest in my usual activities, I'm tired and groggy during the day even if I get a lot of sleep, and I gain weight and crave carbs (energy boosters). Getting up in the morning is extremely difficult, it's why my morning classes get skipped more than they should.
I'm so sick of this feeling. This feeling like I just want to lie down and not get back up until summer. Or at least until the next sunny day. I make plans and rarely follow through with them this time of year. I'm tired and grumpy and I have no reason to be. It's the time of year I wish I could quit school and move to Aruba. I would get so much more done there!
Here's hoping the sun comes out for a little while tomorrow...
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