I was right...

Yesterday was a rough day. 

Lots of crying, being upset, and just generally sad. Today feels like it will be better. The sunshine outside my window certainly hints at that :). {in the 5 min it took me to try and find my cameras battery charger so I could take a picture of the lovely sunshine, it got super cloudy and is now pouring. and i still don't know where the charger is}

Crazy Georgia summer weather aside, I'm so grateful for the ability to take the time to work on myself. Hubs has been super supportive and I could not be more thankful for him. Going down to almost one income is definitely a risk but one we were going to take at some point anyway, just not this soon.

I need to get better at planning my time wisely and taking care of myself and our house in the process. Getting up early and meeting my mom for a workout is definitely working so far. Having that accountability is helping me follow through. One thing that's hard is cleaning and picking up the house. I just really hate it. I've never liked cleaning {my mom would definitely confirm that}. It seems like I always let it get away from me and then it turns into this huge chore where every room needs to be cleaned top to bottom. 

My house cleaning to do list looks like this:

Dust

Vacuum

Clean both bathrooms

Empty dishwasher

Do dishes

Clean kitchen counters and stove top

Clean and mop all hard surface floors

Organize under bathroom sink {y'all, that space is out of control}

Clean off all surfaces

I tend to have two reactions to lists like that. I either sit and stare at it, willing it to complete itself or I end up wanting to start cleaning around 9:30 at night until it all gets done. You can imagine how much Hubs loves both of those options :/. He is so good at serving me, he does most of those things without me asking. I go away to run an errand, come back, and stuff is done around the house. Since I'm going to be home so much, I need to exercise my servant heart along with my body and work at taking care of our home. I will certainly have the time now and way less excuses. Does anyone have a system they use to pace out the cleaning? I need some tips to stay on top of it all.

{and now the sun it out again}

Some days are harder than others...

Like today.

Today is a gloomy, cloudy day and it matches my mood perfectly. I miss my baby. I miss being pregnant. I would have been 16 weeks by now and would possibly know the gender already.

This is hard stuff. It is not easy. It's getting better but I'm learning that I will always be heartbroken over this. The pain never really goes away. It just sits inside my chest like a dull ache. On these days, I tend to have a shorter temper, I mope around more, tend toward pessimism, and can't seem to get anything done. I'm hoping going to work out this morning will get me out of that slump. We'll see. {that's the pessimism coming out}

The worst part is that there is no ritual for this. No funeral, no wake, no nothing. Because there wasn't anything to bury. Those who have gone through this know how that feels. There's no prescribed way to mourn and acknowledge a loss like this. Hubs and I are working on something; maybe releasing balloons, or one of those lanterns that you light and it flies away. Not sure yet. But it feels like we need to do something. Our baby should be honored because it was important to us and so, so, so loved. We wanted our sweet one so badly.

This is going to be a rough day.

{and that's ok}

A Change of Pace

A LOT has changed since last summer. As it turns out, I signed up to do way too much. I taught two different classes each week, led chapel every week and wrote the curriculum for the whole year, subbed for our music teacher and took over her after school class in March, led small group each week with Hubs, and worked on my CDA courses. During all of that madness, eating well and taking care of myself completely fell by the wayside. Come April, I found myself the heaviest I've ever been.

Come April, I also found myself pregnant and due around Dec 15, 2015! I started to take better care of myself and tried to keep my weight down as much as possible. Unfortunately, we went in for our 12 week ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Our sweet one had stopped growing at 5 1/2 weeks and my body had no clue. It never did catch up and I had a D&C on June 8, 2015. It's been a rough road from there, but Hubs and I are learning that we have company in this and lots of support and love. It has helped us a great deal. 

Since finding out we were pregnant, and then finding out we were not, our lives have been flipped upside down more than once. Working so far from home and spending two hours in the car everyday has also taken it's toll. I've decided to not return to my current job and will instead be working one day a week for the family I used to nanny for. It's still a bit of a drive, but only once a week (possibly twice) and I'll still be making a bit of money after taxes and gas. This will all give me time to start actually working on myself and getting healthier: emotionally, physically, and mentally. 

I've been so focused on everyone else for so long, that I've let myself go in a lot of ways. It's time to start loving this body again. Sure, I'm not the 18 year old dancer anymore, and I'll probably never have that body again, but I'd like to learn to love the one I have. Part of that self love is taking time to work out (even though I hate it) and eating right (even though I could easily eat waffle fries every day). It's a sacrifice but that's what true love is: sacrificial.

I'm hoping to blog through all of this on a more regular basis, but we'll see how it goes. Who knows? I might actually have time now :).