Hashbrown Love

I got nothing...

2009-11-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

I don't even know how I feel about yesterday. After having what I'm pretty sure was small scale panic attack last night, I don't even know what to think.

I don't like that I responded that way but I suddenly felt very overwhelmed. I don't think I have ever been that angry, upset, frustrated, furious or violent in my life. Fight or flight seriously kicked in and I flew. I'm glad I got out of there. Even thinking about going back makes me jittery and my heart rate starts to speed up again. I don't know why I was freaking out like that. May be it was so out of the blue and I just didn't see it coming.

I've been nothing but accommodating and for them to accuse me of not leaving them enough space in the common areas is unthinkable! They act like they're the innocent victims when they haven't said a word about how they've been feeling. I will freely admit that I refer to the kitchen and living room as mine. But when 95% of the stuff in it is your's and you're the only one who bothers to clean it and take care of it, calling it "your's" makes sense. If I had given them dirty looks and left nasty notes about cleaning up after themselves then they would have every right to be upset. I hardly even see them! We're on completely different schedules and I'm normally asleep or at least getting ready for bed when they come in. And the times I have wanted to talk to them, either they're both not there, or one is asleep or one of the boyfriends is over. The one thing that boggles my mind, I've talked to Katie a ton of times throughout the semester and she never once hinted about any of this. I think that shock of it all combined with the amount of stress I'm under freaked me out and my body didn't know how to handle it.

I'm glad I came up to Kennesaw though. Brett has been wonderful and I'm so glad he's been here for me :). God and I had a good talk about stuff that I've been dealing with too and I learned a lot and I'm learning to trust him more which scares the crap out of me. But that's another blog altogether...

Thanks to all those who have been praying and sending good thoughts...keep 'em coming!

a drama-free life: too much to ask?

2009-11-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

I wish I had moved out.
found my own space.
lived alone.

or least lived with people who respect me.

My roommates and I have been battling over the thermostat in our apt. for weeks now and the sh*t has hit the fan. They want it at 75, I want it at 69 (or at the most, 70). I've been leaving notes on the thermostat for a few days, letting them know that they higher we move it, the more it costs. But everyday, I wake up sweating or can't sleep because one of them changed it to 75 again. Brett and I also discovered that my room is underneath the dryer vents for my apt and the one above me, so I get hot air pumped into my room whenever someone does laundry.

Instead of talking to my face about it, they write me this long note about how they have been compromising this whole time about it, but can't, as dancers afford to wake up cold in the mornings with stiff joints. I get that, makes perfect sense to me. What I don't get is their inability to come and knock on my door themselves.

They also spoke about having to buy mini-fridges, extra shelving, dish washing liquid and the like because they feel "sufficient space isn't left for them in the common areas." I never asked them to buy that stuff, nor have I refused access to the fridge or anything else in the apt. The only things I have asked is that if you use someone else's pot, wash it. If you make a mess in the kitchen, clean it up.

I have one shelf and one drawer in the fridge and 3 things on the bottom shelf. All of the cabinents are divied up into their respective categories: we each have a personal one, one for cups, one for plates/bowls, two for pots and pans, etc. The majority (95%) of the utensils, pots, pans, dishes, cups, etc. are mine. I've just asked for respect of my stuff, that's all. I also do 95% of the cleaning. I'm the one who wipes down the countertops, sweeps and mops the floors, vacuums, dusts, cleans the rugs, cleans out the fridge and takes out the recycling. They take out the trash...that's it.

The fact that they even insinuate that I haven't let them enough space, infuriates me. I've held my tongue about a lot of crap I've been feeling for 3 years. I have felt severely taken advantage of over the years and this is the first year they have actually started to clean up after themselves. I have been more then reasonable, but I'm about fed up with their attitudes, like I did something wrong to begin with.

I want to move home after this semester and commute. I sick of this sh*t and want my mommy :(.

Lazy Day

2009-09-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so unmotivated today. I've been sitting here at my computer for what seems like hours and haven't gotten anything done. I've had this feeling ever since I got back to school and i don't know what happened. Last semester I was organized and motivated and organized. I've tried the same techniques but they don't seem to be working for some reason. I'm struggling with my eating plan and was supposed to have been carp crashing this whole week and haven't at all. I'm feeling very discouraged about life right now.

It doesn't help that I'm getting overwhelmed and have much more to do this semester. I feel unorganized and lazy...which at the moment, is exactly what I am. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I have an assignment due by midnight tonight and I've only done about 1 page of it and I need at least 5. I'm thinking about leaving and going to TwoStory Coffeehouse but I don't want to leave my apartment either. It would require me to wash my face and put on makeup, neither of which I really want to do. Maybe I should try a daily fixed schedule like last semester. And a daily to do list. I'm just feeling down and like I just don't care but I do, I just have no motivation...I really don't know where it went. I think I need to be outside and stop skipping classes. not getting up in mornings really doesn't work well for me, it upsets my entire day (which you can clearly see).

I'm going to go organize something, that always make sme feel better :).

Adults and Adults...can they coexist?

2009-08-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

I'm 23 years old...an adult, right?

When my mother was my age, she had been married for 2 years.

When my grandmother was my age, she was married and had 3 children.

Why is it that neither one of them thinks I'm capable of remembering to brush my own teeth?

Seriously, I kid you not, my mom actually asks me almost everyday if I have brushed my teeth and taken my medicine. I'M NOT 7!!!! FOR GOODNESS SAKE, PLEASE TREAT ME LIKE AN ADULT!!!!

Whew...that felt great :).

Granted, when I was a kid, I didn't brush my teeth a lot and always forgot to take my medicine. My biggest problem was that I would remember in the car or during school, always I place I couldn't do anything about it. I've gotten much better as I've gotten older (one would hope). But I will admit that I have trouble remembering to do some of that stuff, especially during the summer when I don't have a daily schedule. During the school year, I am extremely organized and get everything done on time, if not early, including all the items in my toilette.

It doesn't help that I tend to be very passive aggressive around my mother. Anything she would ask me to do as a kid, I would, of course, deliberately not do. Not healthy, I know, but I was about 6, so can you blame me? A really great example of that involved vitamins. She would buy these awful chewable vitamin Cs that I hated. I told her they were gross and she bought them anyway, just telling me to drink juice after them. But instead of continuing to talk to her about it, I hid some, flushed some of them down the toilet, and wrapped the rest in tissues and threw them in the garbage. So, unfortunately I've been passive aggressive since I was about 6. It's a habit. A bad habit, but a habit.

Luckily, Brett calls me on it and I can't get away with it with him (thank goodness!). No one is there with my mom to call me on it but me. I have to stop it. No one else. Except God.

I've been working really hard this summer on losing weight and eating healthy. My final weigh in is tomorrow and so far I've lost 21 1/2 lbs., around 25 in., 1 pant size and 1 bra size! I'm so excited and mom told me today how proud she was of me, which feels great :). Then later, I was looking at recipes telling my mom about some of the ones that I found and she did nothing but criticize them and lecture me about what I should and should not be eating. None of the recipes were bad (all under 500 calories) and I would be using low-fat cheese and fat-free soups and such. So far, I've managed a whole summer without her telling me what to eat so I think I can still do it for myself this year at school. I understand that she doesn't want me to undo everything I've done, but I don't want that either! It's not like I'm going to eat crap food once I get there. I've done that in the past, but I'm paying for food out of a budget this year, so I can't just go out to eat whenever I want. I'm going to have to really careful what I spend and what I eat.

This is the point when I struggle with my passive aggressiveness toward her. Part of me wants to say, "Screw you!" and do whatever I want and prove them all wrong, but I know it would just prove them right. I would end up gaining back all the weight and regretting it all over again. I'm going to do this for myself and no one else. And no matter what my mom says, I'm going to make this work. I'm not going to deliberately sabotage what I've been doing and eat really crappy food, but neither am I going to sacrifice the foods I love, I'm just going to find healthy ways to eat them. I'm going to respect my mom, but be my own person, grow up and take responsibility for my own actions. And I really don't need her help to do it :).

It's time to start cutting those apron strings...

Musings

2009-07-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

Brett and I are doing this book called "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married." It's written by a Christian author, H. Norman Wright. So far the book has been very informative and has led Brett and I on many interesting discussions about each other, our lives, how we grew up and how it all will fit together. Tonight the question was about how you grew up economically and emotionally and how that effects who you are and how you live your life.

I don't think my parents were well off when I was little but honestly, I had no clue one way or another until I was old enough to figure it all out. I know that I won't be able to live the live my parent's do now because they've have 43 years of marital practice and experience to get it right.

Sometimes I worry about me and money and how I'll handle it all. I know I need to have a large hand in the finances just because I need to see where it all goes before I can excuse away that random shopping trip to Gap or wherever. I like being organized though and using Excel is kinda fun for me :).

Emotionally, I'm in a good place and was raised by great parents. Not to say they were perfect, because I definitely remember some of their less than stellar moments, but they tried their best. I wish I had seen them fight more though. I don't know how many kids would say that but I really do. It's even so much the fighting, but the resolution of the argument I wish I had seen more of.

I thought about it and I rarely see my parents work through an argument or disagreement. I think they must have disagreed that all conflicts must be worked out behind closed doors. In some ways I agree with that, but it would have been nice to have seen it a few times. As a kid, I remember seeing them disagree about something and they wouldn't talk it out right then, and then room would get so tense that one of them would have to leave the room. I guess I thought they just ignored it or something. My kid brain didn't know that they were probably waiting until I went to bed to discuss it.

Because of this though, when it came to conflict with other people and especially boys, my first instinct was to run and hide and call it quits (which my parents never did, BTW). This behavior also explains every relationship before Brett. The way I sabotaged every other relationship I had still boggles my mind. I was so far from confrontational it was ridiculous. There are several things I would change if I could go back now, although I admit some guys still hold some crazy intimidating power over me that I will never understand. I let myself get treated horribly by numerous guys and I was too scared to say anything to them about it.

Somethings have definitely changed :). Not that I'm overly confrontational, but I know that I deserve better now and am not afraid to expect and even demand it. Brett and I have our moments, but I love too much not get in his face about certain stuff and he's the same way with me: he has no problem calling me out about my crap and me about his. We talk through everything, even we have to take a time out first and leave nothing unresolved. I also think one of the most important things we do, if that we own our own crap. If it's my fault, I admit it and so does he. No blame game here. It really takes the wind out of the other's sails if you freely admit your own fault. It's also about respecting each other so much that admitting when you're wrong is your way of serving the other person: letting them know you care enough about the relationship to do your best into making sure it survives. That means laying down your own pride and putting the needs of the other person ahead of your own.

My relationship with Brett has taught me more than I could ever have learned on my own.

There were guys though in my life, who always treated me with respect, even though I didn't always respect myself. They are few and far between, but a heartfelt thank you goes out to them. They helped me realize, even before Brett, that nice guys did exist and I was worth much more than even I thought.

To the other guys: I feel sorry for you. If you have grown since then, I'm truly happy for you and wish you all the best. You weren't the only ones taking advantage back then and I have to own my part in everything too.

Some of you haven't grown a bit and never will. I feel sorry for your future wives and girlfriends. You will never be happy as long as you don't respect yourself and the one you're with, although you have to respect yourself first. I wish all the best and hope that one day that light bulb goes off above your head too.

I feel inordinately blessed to be with the one I'm with. He's forgiven me many times over. He has taken me with all my battle scars and has even had to nurse some of the ones that still break open on occasion. I will always love and cherish this man who loves and understands me more than I understand myself sometimes. He has continued to be amazingly supportive and understanding through all my ups and downs. I used him cruelly in the beginning and feel constantly blessed that God used my own stupidity as my saving grace :).

I love you, honey.

I don't have a title for this one...

2009-06-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

So, it's summer...finally :). I don't really like summer all that much, but it sure beats spring a.k.a. gloom town. I didn't end up going to see the doctor, although I probably should have. I'm definitely going to go next spring though, and especially now that I know when it happens I can set the appointment up ahead of time.

But SAD wise, I'm great...none of it in sight, thank goodness. The sun is doing wonders to my mood.

This summer I'm working with my chiropractor 3 days a week, who is also a personal trainer with a nutrition program. It turns out that I have almost no curve in my neck, with is causing me to get a pre-mature dowager's hump. Ummm, yeah...no thanks. It will take two years to fully go away, but it's already going down, slowly but surely. This lack of a curve is also causing a bunch of other stuff in my back and body to be screwed up. It's been affecting my adrenal glands which, together with your thyroid, make up your metabolism. I haven't been able to really lose wight like I wanted, so this could possibly be the reason. I'm taking some suppliments, which should help some, I'm on a diet, and working out 5 days a weeks. It's going to be hard but I've discovered that wedding magazines make it a lot easier to stay focused at the gym :). Looking at all of those skinny brides, really does motivate me...not that I want to be super skinny, but I want to love how I look on my wedding day.

I'm also taking a summer class on African American Literature, which is proving to be facinating. Right now I'm learning about Frederick Douglass. Did you know he married a white woman, after his first wife died, and that he was in his 60's (old enough to be her father)? I sure didn't. He's led a pretty interesting life and I'm learning a lot. I have to admit though, some days I have no motivation whatsoever. It has nothing to do with the topic, just the fact that it's summer and I would love nothing more than to sit around all day on my computer and stumble and watch old movies. I'm getting to do a little of that, but not as much as I want.

Later, I'll post some stuff about my training and maybe some before pictures.

Gloomy Days are here again...

2009-04-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

Eh...that's how I feel today. Just, eh.

For the first time this year, I've had to deal with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I thought I had in under control, but not after today. I missed class this morning because I hardly slept and woke up with a migraine. I finally got out of bed around 12pm to take something again to see if it would finally go away. It did, but not for another hour and a half. I proceeded to get back in bed. I stayed there off and on for 5 hours.

5 hours?! WTF is wrong with me?!

The worst part about SAD is that I lose all interest in everything I like to do. I don't want to do anything and I mean, anything. I don't want to read or watch TV or clean or organize or talk to anyone. All I want to do is lay in my bed. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes not. Most of the time I just lay there thinking. And I'm not thinking happy thoughts, believe me. I don't even want to watch Jane Austen movies. That's a huge deal.

I'm calling the doctor tomorrow. It's time I got an official diagnosis. But trust me, I have all of the symptoms: I feel sad, grumpy, moody, I lose interest in my usual activities, I'm tired and groggy during the day even if I get a lot of sleep, and I gain weight and crave carbs (energy boosters). Getting up in the morning is extremely difficult, it's why my morning classes get skipped more than they should.

I'm so sick of this feeling. This feeling like I just want to lie down and not get back up until summer. Or at least until the next sunny day. I make plans and rarely follow through with them this time of year. I'm tired and grumpy and I have no reason to be. It's the time of year I wish I could quit school and move to Aruba. I would get so much more done there!

Here's hoping the sun comes out for a little while tomorrow...

Election Day

2008-11-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

So today, at some point, we will be picking the next president of the United States.

I have friends and relatives and such that are actually scared of the wrong guy getting the job. I do not share this fear. To me the wrong guy can't get the job, because God is ultimately in control of that. I'm going to lie that I feel a little bit anxious about how things will change and how this new person will affect the way this country is run. But ultimately, I have a peace about it all. I'm in love and I go to school and that's my life right now.

This verse was spoken in church this past Sunday and it totally speakes to the way I feel:

"...the Most High is soveriegn over the kingdoms of man and gives them to whoever he wishes." -Daniel 4:25

"His dominion is an eternal dominion; His kingdom endures from generation to generation. All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as He pleases with the powers of heaven and the people of the earth. No one can hold back His hand or say to Him: "What have you done?" -Daniel 4: 34-35

Those verse are about King Nebuchadnezzar. God sent a dream to him that Daniel was able to interpret. It said that Nebuchadnezzar was going to lose his kingdom and that he was to go live in the woods like an animal until 7 years had past and he was able and willing to admit that God was soveriegn over him. Indeed this came true and it took Nebuchadnezzar 7 years to acknowledge the Most High God. Daniel 4:34-35 is what he says when finally admits and glorifies the One who gave him the power in the first place.

God is in full control of today's outcome. He gives power and takes away power. He is behind the results of today. Nothing comes to us that did not pass through the hand of God. He is in control and I will praise Him whatever the outcome.

Phone Plans and Plans

2008-11-02T19:58:00.000-08:00

So last weekend, the boy and I went and got our own phone plan! So this means no more lectures from dad about how even though him and mom and I were on a plan that only shared 700 minutes between the 3 of us and that that phone was also his business line I was supposed to never talk to people (including the boy) that didn't have the same carrier as we did. I mean, I'm still going to be careful, the boy and I can't afford to go over, but since him and my mom are really the only people I talk to and he only talks to other people for a few minutes at a time, we should be fine.

You know, there is something to scary about what we did too. It reminds me that we're getting older and soon mom and dad aren't going to pay for every little thing. But hopefully, when they don't, I'll actually have a job that pays money that I can afford to live off of :).

But as scary and hard as it is, I'm loving it; granted I haven't gotten the first bill yet :). It made me get on a budget though, something which I've been needing to do. I didn't know what my pay was going to be so I was waiting to see what the final number turned up as. I still don't know 100% but it's close enough know that nothing will suffer if I'm too very off. And mom and dad have offered to pick up the slack although I'm going to do my best not to take them up on that. It's time I grew up and learned what that means. And I've always been independent, so I'm really relishing in most of this :).

We've also been talking recently about our future plans and what and when all that will be. We both really need to finish school and get jobs before we get married so that we don't have to live on Ramen when we do, although we're both big fans :). I don't know how much we're planning to save up but I think we'd like to have enough for 6-8 months living expenses. That's what's recommended and I think that's what's safe. I feel like I would rather be over prepared than have life throw something at us, like a first car wreck or, God forbid, a serious injurgy. I want to be financially able to handle those things. And after we talked we realized that because of when his internship is (Summer 2010) and because of it being an unpaid intership during which he would be working 40+ hours a week, we decided that getting married in Fall 2010 didn't seem like the wisest choice. So I think that we're thinking more along the lines of Fall 2011. I wouldn't say that long except that I really want to get married in the fall and by that time we should be somewhat settled in our careers.

I know that it's not going to all go hunky-dory but I'm also just going to plan for what I can, hope for the best and leave the rest up to God.

My boy

2008-10-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

A little about my boy :)

While I was in community college, I met this very cute guy :). He and his friend, Lauren, sat behind me in history class and would crack jokes the whole class and genuinely seemed like really fun people. So one day I joined in their joke making and hit it off with them. I became friends with them pretty quickly and would always hang out with the guy after class until I had to go to my next class. This went on for a few weeks until we had a test coming up. We all decided to get together and study at Lauren's house. Her house was further than his house and harder to find so we decided that I would drive to his house and then he and I would drive from there. We had lots of car time and lots of time to talk in between study time. I found out that he was Catholic* and didn't want kids; 2 deal breakers in my book. I also found out that he liked me when he asked me out.

Unfortunately for him, I was not interested. As we got to know each other I realized that he a really sweet guy, but I was just not interested. I had also just gotten out of a relationship and could not see myself right back in another one, that to me, was just not going to go anywhere. I had been hurt alot and could not imagine that a guy could just be nice and not be after one thing.

We went to breakfast after class with his friends almost every week. We always went to Chick-fil-a and I always got hashbrowns (hence my blog name) :). This went on the entire semester. We studied together before every test, talked on the phone, went to breakfast, and he kept on asking me out. I kept saying no, because honestly I didn't want to get hurt again and I felt that he was getting to be a little clingy so I told him that once school was over I didn't think that we should talk anymore.

We didn't talk for about a month, but then, slowly, I began to miss him. We started talking again and I found out about other dates that he had been on and I found myself more than a little jealous. After a few months of me wanting to claw some other girls' eyes out a decided to ask him out :). And boy was I relieved when he said yes!

Our first date was March 18, 2007. I took him to church with me and then we went out to dinner at P.F. Changs and then we stayed in the parking lot for hours after and just talked about everything. He became a Christian a few weeks later, much to my surprise :). I thought for sure it would be a long process, what with all the questions he had from his Catholic upbringing but God was working faster than I thought possible...big surprise :). He also changed his mind about kids not long after that. I think him seeing his brother with his niece helped a lot and God probably helped a little too :). But now we have an agreement on 2 kids with an option on the 3rd :).

To put it simply, I love him more than I can say and count myself so lucky to have him in my life. God has used him to show me so many things about His nature that I count myself blessed in everyway. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life with that boy :).

*Note I have nothing against Catholics, my grandmother was raised Catholic, but I just couldn't see myself raising my children Catholic.

My First Blog :)

2008-10-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

So...this is my first blog...ever. Not really sure what to say first so I'll just say a little about me.

I'm a full-time student in college, studying Classical Culture. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it but I'm just looking forward to graduating. I still have another few years left. I spent my first few years at a Liberal Arts College in North Georgia studying Musical Theatre. After not passing my Sophomore Vocal Barriers (more about that later), I decided that it was time to leave that particular school and venture elsewhere. Also, the head of the dept. was changing and I was not a fan of the new person they picked for the job. So off I went into the land of the unknown.

See, I had grown up homeschooled and so my school experience had been somewhat limited. I went to a very small school for 2 years and then decided on a much larger school. However, I missed the application deadline and ended up going to a community college for a semester to get some core classes out of the way.

So, as of now I'm trying to graduate and get married before I'm 30, both of which are looking very promising :).