Brett and I are doing this book called "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married." It's written by a Christian author, H. Norman Wright. So far the book has been very informative and has led Brett and I on many interesting discussions about each other, our lives, how we grew up and how it all will fit together. Tonight the question was about how you grew up economically and emotionally and how that effects who you are and how you live your life.
I don't think my parents were well off when I was little but honestly, I had no clue one way or another until I was old enough to figure it all out. I know that I won't be able to live the live my parent's do now because they've have 43 years of marital practice and experience to get it right.
Sometimes I worry about me and money and how I'll handle it all. I know I need to have a large hand in the finances just because I need to see where it all goes before I can excuse away that random shopping trip to Gap or wherever. I like being organized though and using Excel is kinda fun for me :).
Emotionally, I'm in a good place and was raised by great parents. Not to say they were perfect, because I definitely remember some of their less than stellar moments, but they tried their best. I wish I had seen them fight more though. I don't know how many kids would say that but I really do. It's even so much the fighting, but the resolution of the argument I wish I had seen more of.
I thought about it and I rarely see my parents work through an argument or disagreement. I think they must have disagreed that all conflicts must be worked out behind closed doors. In some ways I agree with that, but it would have been nice to have seen it a few times. As a kid, I remember seeing them disagree about something and they wouldn't talk it out right then, and then room would get so tense that one of them would have to leave the room. I guess I thought they just ignored it or something. My kid brain didn't know that they were probably waiting until I went to bed to discuss it.
Because of this though, when it came to conflict with other people and especially boys, my first instinct was to run and hide and call it quits (which my parents never did, BTW). This behavior also explains every relationship before Brett. The way I sabotaged every other relationship I had still boggles my mind. I was so far from confrontational it was ridiculous. There are several things I would change if I could go back now, although I admit some guys still hold some crazy intimidating power over me that I will never understand. I let myself get treated horribly by numerous guys and I was too scared to say anything to them about it.
Somethings have definitely changed :). Not that I'm overly confrontational, but I know that I deserve better now and am not afraid to expect and even demand it. Brett and I have our moments, but I love too much not get in his face about certain stuff and he's the same way with me: he has no problem calling me out about my crap and me about his. We talk through everything, even we have to take a time out first and leave nothing unresolved. I also think one of the most important things we do, if that we own our own crap. If it's my fault, I admit it and so does he. No blame game here. It really takes the wind out of the other's sails if you freely admit your own fault. It's also about respecting each other so much that admitting when you're wrong is your way of serving the other person: letting them know you care enough about the relationship to do your best into making sure it survives. That means laying down your own pride and putting the needs of the other person ahead of your own.
My relationship with Brett has taught me more than I could ever have learned on my own.
There were guys though in my life, who always treated me with respect, even though I didn't always respect myself. They are few and far between, but a heartfelt thank you goes out to them. They helped me realize, even before Brett, that nice guys did exist and I was worth much more than even I thought.
To the other guys: I feel sorry for you. If you have grown since then, I'm truly happy for you and wish you all the best. You weren't the only ones taking advantage back then and I have to own my part in everything too.
Some of you haven't grown a bit and never will. I feel sorry for your future wives and girlfriends. You will never be happy as long as you don't respect yourself and the one you're with, although you have to respect yourself first. I wish all the best and hope that one day that light bulb goes off above your head too.
I feel inordinately blessed to be with the one I'm with. He's forgiven me many times over. He has taken me with all my battle scars and has even had to nurse some of the ones that still break open on occasion. I will always love and cherish this man who loves and understands me more than I understand myself sometimes. He has continued to be amazingly supportive and understanding through all my ups and downs. I used him cruelly in the beginning and feel constantly blessed that God used my own stupidity as my saving grace :).
I love you, honey.
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